As October comes around, shouts of laughter and armies of children storm the streets in anticipation of burning holes in people’s pockets and draining the festive energy from the souls of adults.
People tell me I should go with the flow. That I should embrace Halloween. I feel like this is a crock of garbage.
But for me, the invention of Halloween by the Irish more than 2000 years ago makes me want to throw up before I binge on decayed candy or contract the flu.
Being someone who is nauseated by outdated candy and dreads walking in heavy costumes drenched in sweat, I hate Halloween.
I tell some of my friends who love Halloween that I’m on the fence, but the truth is I’ve been on the fence so long my ass has gone numb.
Samhainophobia is the fear of Halloween according to the Cleveland Clinic website.
If you have samhainophobia, and decide to sit it out, lucky you. You aren’t missing much.
I’m tired of putting masks on and walking around the city in a costume I bought after waiting in line for hours at Walmart.
The sentimentality of this holiday has been sold as a commercial holiday and the repetitiveness of social burnout coupled with the revolting “tradition” of pumpkin pie are what Halloween has deteriorated into.
I feel like staying at home watching TikTok videos and waiting for the real holidays like Thanksgiving or Christmas to come along is the only solace I get from a Halloween-dominated October.
I also hate the ugly decorations that make me feel like I’m in some sort of mortuary.
I refuse to carve open a pumpkin as a festivity. I think I’d have more fun performing open-heart surgery.
The last thing I want to do is burn up my time and go around shopping for candy I’d never eat or decorate my house for a shitshow.
According to Dave Infante, writer for the Thrillist, Halloween is for juveniles.
“But the thing about children is that they are loud and disruptive,” Infante wrote in his article. “Even when they're not inside a bar with me, I tend to hate them. And on Halloween, they're everywhere – shrieking little monsters out for blood, or at least my sanity.”
Infante said if you want candy, buy some, grow up or do both.
When I was a kid, I honestly thought dressing up as a grim reaper would actually scare adults.
Now I realize what they really feared – the mounds of cash they were blowing to distribute unhealthy crap to children.
Corn mazes had their 15 minutes of fame when “Harry Potter: The Deathly Hallows” was released.
I think the idea of Halloween should be celebrated by the college-aged crowd, of course. We celebrate the adult way – with booze and skimpy clothing.
The conventional trick-or-treat Halloween is for suckers who look forward to a cultureless, washed-out excuse for a holiday.
Some economists argue that Halloween spending diverts resources that would be better spent on longer-term, more productive economic activity, according to the Retire Pilots website.
Americans should resent the $10.14 billion albatross they waste on Halloween in 2021, according to an Investopedia article.
In 2021, the average spending for Halloween totaled $3.6 billion on costumes, $3.1 billion on candy and $3.4 billion on decorations, according to the National Credit Foundation website.
The same source said this can lead to fewer savings overall and reduced receipts for companies that employ workers “full-time year-round.”
Call me a Halloween Grinch, but someone has to stand up against this objectionable, detestable and overrated day.
But for now, I’m not buying candy, I’m not dressing up and I’ll decorate my house to my heart’s content when Christmas rolls around.
Some experts say Halloween is a barometer to how children differentiate fantasy from reality, according to the NPR website.
Quite literally, it’s time to end this fantasy before it becomes a nightmare. Let’s ghost Halloween.
