It was a fun evening out with friends celebrating my special someone’s birthday. I sat next to my partner, who had been nothing but patient, kind, and understanding since the day we met.
Yet, my stomach twisted with guilt. I had told a lie. A small one, perhaps, but a lie nonetheless.
The words had come out of my mouth almost instinctively, a reflex honed over years of walking on eggshells.
My last relationship was with someone toxic, manipulative, and narcissistic. They had a way of twisting the truth and punishing honesty until I learned to filter my words to avoid conflict.
Almost half of all women and men in the U.S. have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Everyone's experience with domestic violence is different and so is the way we heal and learn from our past mistakes.
It was easier to tell them what they wanted to hear rather than risk their wrath, endless accusations or their skillful emotional manipulation.
Over time, the habit of self-preservation became second nature.
With them, the truth was dangerous.
If I admitted a mistake, no matter how small, it was weaponized against me. If I expressed vulnerability, it was exploited. I became someone who wore masks, who calculated every word.
I lied – not out of malice, but out of sheer survival.
Now, sitting across from someone who had done nothing to deserve mistrust, I found myself falling into those old patterns.
I lied about something insignificant – something that possibly couldn’t have mattered had I told the truth.
But at that moment, I felt a pang of fear, an echo of the past whispering that the truth could ruin everything.
It's difficult when you feel trapped by the fear of losing someone you love, especially when past trauma or toxic relationships weigh heavily on you.
I lied to protect myself or shield him from something painful, thinking it would preserve the relationship. But in doing so, I created a barrier of mistrust, and now, the fear of losing him has become a reality.
The lie was rooted in fear – fear of rejection, repeating the same mistakes, and exposing the vulnerabilities left by my toxic ex-partner.
I didn't want to burden the person I cared for with my past but perhaps I was afraid he wouldn't understand.
I hid parts of the truth to avoid pushing them away but now, it feels like the lie has pushed him even further.
I am facing the consequences of my actions – an aching sense of regret and the realization that in trying to protect the relationship, I’ve endangered it.
I left the person I love feeling hurt, betrayed and confused.
Now, I am left in the painful position of wondering if the damage is irreversible.
Learning from a mistake rooted in my toxic past starts with self-awareness and accountability.
Instead of dwelling on the guilt or shame I feel after telling this lie, I can reflect on what led me to the decision and identify the unhealthy patterns I carry from my past.
By recognizing these triggers, I can work on healing and developing better-coping mechanisms.
Every mistake can be made into a learning lesson and is an opportunity for growth, allowing me to break this unhealthy cycle and make choices that align with the person I want to become.
Growth isn't about being perfect – it's about learning and choosing a healthier path moving forward.
I realize that while my past has shaped me, it doesn't have to define me forever.
