Open relationships are great. The naysayers just suck at communication and lack basic emotional intelligence.
Too often I am scrolling through TikTok when I swipe across one of those reporter-on-the-street style interview videos — the ones that feel awkwardly staged and end with a "gotcha" moment.
The videos usually feature couples getting out of a nightclub before the interviewer asks the most taboo question: "What are your thoughts on an open relationship?"
This question often leads to one partner denouncing them entirely while the other “Ums” and “Mmms” their way to admitting that they are curious about the idea, to the absolute shock and horror of their partner.
The video's subject matter incites a culture war in the comments full of, "He doesn't love you! Get out!", "Molly … you in danger girl" and of course "Red flag!"
This almost absolute rejection and triggered anxiety that people have towards open relationships signals that people don't have an understanding of how they actually work.
According to an article published by Psych Central, "Creating a successful open relationship requires top-notch communication, trust, and clear boundaries."
Unsurprisingly, these prerequisites for a strong open relationship sound like conditions that are equally important for a healthy, long-term monogamous relationship.
Yet, considering that three of the top 10 reasons marriages fail are "poor communication", "marital infidelity" and "lack of intimacy", according to a webpage published by Clagett Law.
I would imagine that a relationship style that champions open communication, consensual non-monogamy and sexual exploration would be the direct answer to those issues.
Yet, people are still too afraid to try open relationships. Why?
Clearly, monogamy, a heteronormative style of coupling, isn't working out for most Americans.
The American Psychological Association found that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce.
Looking at the data for marriages in the U.S., the case that monogamy is the ideal relationship model is slipping away, and along with it goes the idea that one person can satisfy all of your emotional, physical, social and sexual needs.
Which, by the way, asking one person to fulfill all of your needs is an insane, Sisyphean order.
We’re human and are constantly changing in different ways, even from our partners who also might grow in different ways.
Take differences in the bedroom for example.
Consider this situation: Partner A wants to explore a new sexual practice but partner B is not enthusiastically consenting to the idea. Is partner A just supposed to push their desire aside? That doesn’t seem very fair and sounds very frustrating.
While this is a hypothetical situation, this story is more common than you think.
According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 15% of married women and 25% of married men have had extramarital affairs.
Juxtaposing the hypothetical situation and this statistic, one begins to see that when resentment and sexual frustration set in, people break promises and hurt one another.
But that is just one example. The cool thing about open relationships is that they can look different for everyone.
Open relationships aren’t just for couples with a propensity for novelty — they can also be for people who align in every single aspect except sexually.
I know one married gay couple who are happily married but due to their sexual preferences, seek sexual satisfaction outside of their marriage and it works for them!
Open relationships are what you make them to be so what is it about open relationships that is so terrible that people still feel the need to avoid them?
Well, like I mentioned earlier, many people lack effective communication skills, especially when it comes to intense emotions including the nastiest feeling: jealousy.
“Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, or feeling left out, not good enough, inadequate or awful," say authors Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton in their seminal book on non-monogamous relationships The Ethical Slut.
Jealousy is a scary emotion, but with a little self-reflection and practicing emotional intelligence, any adult should be able to process that feeling and communicate what they need to say to feel better and connect with their partner.
Ironically enough, if the naysayers just gave open relationships a chance, they might refine their skills in becoming more effective communicators, and emotional intelligence and potentially learn some new tricks that will dazzle their partner in the bedroom.
The only thing holding most people back is simply laziness.
Ultimately, open relationships are not for the faint of heart and take a lot of work, but if monogamous people put half the energy into their one partner, then perhaps they would understand how those in non-monogamous relationships could dedicate themselves to the concept of free love.
