By Andrew Glenn
The Ouija board is nothing more than a plank of wood with an alphabet scribbled onto it with a picture or two for thematic purposes.
It’s as terrifying as a cootie catcher predicting your love life.
I have no doubt that the majority of people don’t know that the Ouija board was originally invented and marketed in 1980 as “Wonderful Talking Board” which could be purchased at a toy and novelty shop in Pittsburgh.
The shop, Danziger’s & Co. advertised it as a “mysterious” toy that answered questions with “marvelous accuracy.”
Inventor Elijah Bond claimed that when he asked the board what he should call it, the board answered “Ouija.”
When asked what that meant, it answered “good luck.”
There has been no innovation to the design and layout of the Ouija board today.
Yet, it still invokes the same thoughts and interests that are speculated to have created it: speaking with the dead.
I, too, was lured by the fascinating concept, but I was warned by my own mother’s instructions not to play with one as I come from a “spiritually strong” family.
She genuinely feared the possibility of me summoning some great evil.
I once sat down and watched a horror movie with some college friends about a Ouija board bringing forth demons.
One of those friends later suggested playing with one.
We all laughed and nodded in agreement, but the moment I found it at Target for $30, everyone immediately panicked.
Recently, a coworker of mine asked if I wanted one. I thought, “screw it,” I could summon a new friend.” It was “Stranger Things” themed.
My immediate thought was that no demon or spirit would want to come through something as lame as this thing.
However, I was willing to try.
Unfortunately, everyone I asked looked at me with shock, horror and concern as they refused my invitation.
This made it difficult to play as I would clearly be answering the questions myself and not following its directions correctly.
The instructions specifically state that it is for ages 14 and older and needs two to four players.
Again, raising the question of why it is scary. Hell, I carried it in my backpack for at least a week and no misfortune occurred that wouldn’t have happened either way.
Despite the fact that its previous owner supposedly bled on the thing with the intent of summoning Satan.
Further research on the Ouija leads to many interesting results that amuse me more than haunt me, such as it being sold as a dating game and being used to outsell Monopoly.
It was only made terrifying in 1973 after the release of “The Exorcist.”
Unsatisfied and lonely, I eventually found an online version of the game.
I asked it if it was scary. “Yes” it responded. I then asked, “Really?” It said, “unclear.”
I would go on to ask other questions and depending on your sense of horror, it may have frightened you.
If you trust its judgment, then Trump will be reelected.
The answer to whether or not Hilary Clinton is a lizard is, “maybe later.”
The end of the world will be “never.”
The winning lottery numbers are “unknown.”
I will die soon, but not alone. And it “cannot tell” what I’ll have for dinner.
The bright side is it will summon me a new friend. Though it will supposedly summon me one at night.
That is assuming I didn’t just play with an automated computer system with hundreds of predetermined answers, but who knows.
