I remember jumping in the air and smiling from ear to ear when my mom let me get Instagram in eighth grade. However, I did not realize what a toxic wasteland it would become as I got older.
Before I cared at all about my image or how my hair looked online, I would post whatever I wanted. I used as many emojis as I wanted, did not edit out flyaway hairs, and felt comfortable with my followers seeing me without makeup.
Those posts have all been dumped into the archive folder.
Now, I cannot put anything on social media without making sure: my lips have a product on them, my “good side” is featured and my smile does not make me look stupid.
I have to look perfect.
Perfection is defined as freedom from fault or defect, according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary.
Does our society really believe humans could be flawless?
Why do we as humans strive for perfection knowing we can never reach it?
I know I am not the only one projecting a fake life on social media. I know for a fact that there are others who put on a mask and use their screens to hide their imperfections.
There have been far too many times where rather than enjoying a beautiful moment, I was too fixated on how I looked in the photos that I made my sister or mom take of me.
When my family and I went to Hawai’i last summer, I should have been enjoying the warmth of the sand and the gentle breeze that ran through my hair as the ocean sparkled under the sunset.
I should have been laughing with my parents who were relaxing on top of a knit blanket, sipping wine and telling jokes.
Instead, I was forcing my sister to take a “good photo” of me that I could post once we got back home.
I remember getting extremely frustrated when I did not look the way I wanted. I picked at my flaws rather than accepting how I actually looked.
Looking back on this moment, I can’t help but feel guilty. I was scrolling through my phone, furiously deleting photos where my body looked strange or my face looked lopsided.
I should have been marking those moments in my memory. Instead, I was placing photos into the “Favorites” folder of my iPhone.
Social media has forced people to fake reality, pushing them to share only certain pieces of themselves with the world. I have fallen victim to this lifestyle.
Every time I want to post a photo of myself on my Instagram, I can honestly say I take over an hour to decide if it is worthy or not for my followers.
That is my issue — I care too much.
I care too much about what others think of me and societal expectations are the main reason. I have to appear a certain way or look a certain way to be “accepted” in society.
Fake happiness, which I often portray online, is a term used to describe when someone posts content on social media sites that do not represent their true feelings, according to an article by The Digital Chain.
Despite feeling stressed or upset, I try my best to mask my feelings online and only share my happiest moments so that people think I am on top of the world.
The truth is: Most of the time I am just hiding from my problems.
I use the screen as a shield to cover up how upset I get over school.
I use Instagram to break the trust of my followers, appearing joyful and carefree.
I use the online world to try and paint a picture-perfect life when behind the scenes, that perfection feels too far away.
The content young individuals see on social media can inaccurately define what is expected from them and as a result, become destructive to their identity development and self-image, according to Columbia Mailman School of Public Health.
I know I let these expectations get in my head.
You have to be skinny. You have to be pretty. You have to wear certain clothes.
I honestly feel like a fraud. As I lie in my bed, with my makeup off and my glasses on, I stare at the version of myself on my screen and can’t shake off the guilt that washes over me.
No one online ever sees the “real me.” They simply see a version of me that I want to share with them.
Social media is a poison apple. It lets you mold an image of yourself that is perfect for others to see, yet on the inside, you know it is not really who you are.
I can only hope that as I become older, I can let social media portray who I really am — someone who is true to not only the online world but themself as well.
