Karma is a funny thing. It makes me question if I’m doing everything right or if I’m doing everything very, very wrong.
Sometimes I wonder if everything I did wrong comes back to haunt me or if I deserve all the punishment I’ve gone through.
When I was a teenager, the cycle of being rejected and questioning my fate overwhelmed me.
As I grew older, I realized being called racist and homophobic slurs and having my backpack thrown in the dumpster in public school constantly isn’t just “karma.”
As I grew into my thick skin and learned to live with hating myself, I also learned my own self-consciousness was something that was the cause of my environment, not who I am.
After being the target of bullying and constant negativity, I decided enough was enough.
When I was just a sophomore in high school, I made up my mind that I just couldn’t deal with the stress that came with trying to fit in.
I decided to leave my public school for a small private school outside of town.
I left a place of constant negative energy, social turmoil and the center of bullying for a whole new experience that opened my eyes.
When I was introduced to my future campus, I immediately began to fit in. It was a welcoming atmosphere and I quickly felt the sting of bullying fade away.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make such a big change. I begged myself to continue to go to public school.
But in private school, it was as if I had ventured to a cave and finally saw sunlight.
Back in public school, I had grown fearful of what others thought of me. I suffered from low self-esteem because of the constant shaming and bullying I had to go through in public school.
The year before, I was so self-conscious of my body that at times I would skip lunch to go play basketball at the outdoor courts in public school. Sometimes, although I was underweight, I tried not to eat in public.
But as I took a tour of the new private school, I noticed everyone laughing together, not being laughed at. Everyone had a smile on their faces and nobody was sitting alone.
Then it happened. My shadow, or the student who introduced me to the school, mentioned the magic word: “basketball.”
He walked me through the school’s new state-of-the-art gym and told me everyone was allowed to play anytime class was not in session. This was a big change because, in public school, only the players were allowed to play in the school’s gym.
That was it. I was sold.
My shadow then took me to the school’s basketball head coach and the way he greeted me was like a weight lifted off of my shoulders.
There was a simple nuance in the social order of the new school. For the first time in my education, there was no totem pole or hierarchy. There was no superiority based on grades, ethnicity, social status or even physical stature.
For the first time in my life, everyone I met went by the motto of respect, acceptance and dignity.
I felt at home. I felt welcomed. I felt respected.
After spending the day at my school, I rushed home to my parents and urged them to let me leave my mess of public school for this new haven.
When I went to my teachers and instructors at public school to try to get their help, they would seldom listen and didn’t understand my situation.
Holly Rosenkrantz, a U.S. News and World Report writer, wrote about private schools’s tolerance of bullying versus public schools’s tolerance in a Dec 21, 2021 article.
In the same article, Dewey Cornell, an education professor at the University of Virginia and expert on bullying said private schools have more choice in who they enroll and are able to remove students who are disobedient, having more capacity to exert more control over bullying compared to public schools.
“Bullying is a ubiquitous social problem seen in nearly all schools, public or private,” Cornell said.
A couple of weeks later, I finally had my prayers answered. I was accepted into my new school and I finished a semester, for once, without a target on my back.
I decided to never look back. I was done with public school. I could sleep in peace, not giving a damn about my body or what other people thought about me.
Around a couple of months, after school began, I got a surprise in the mail. The same head coach who greeted me with respect and decency mailed me an invitation to the varsity basketball tryout.
When I attended the first day of tryouts, something incredible happened. I could play basketball feeling like myself and not having to be self-conscious about my body or what anyone else thought of me. I could just pick up the ball and play.
Contrary to my introverted nature, for once, I was able to talk to everyone at the tryout as equals. Instead of trying to shut everyone out, I could soak in the atmosphere.
Weeks later, I got a call from the school’s athletic department. I remember quivering, waiting after the pause from the trainer.
“You’re on,” he said.
That, to be perfectly honest, was the last time I trembled outside of the classroom. From then on, it was history. I finally found my home.
I realize not everyone shares the same perspective on public and private school, but I found a place I could call home and not have to worry about the pressure of being popular and dealing with the social imbalance that comes with it.
To me, bullying can come from any setting and associating school with a toxic environment felt like a ticking time bomb that I didn’t know I could have just left at any point.
One thing I always loved about my private school experience is the way my new school’s students treated me with consistent respect. Whether I was a shadow, a student, or a basketball player, the faculty and students never hesitated to greet me with a smile and treat me like family.
Everything just clicked and I didn’t even need to change anything about myself. Not my clothes, my grades or the way I walk and talk.
I realized karma doesn’t always have to be something that comes back to bite you in the ass.
My pathway through the eye of the storm is something that taught me that change is a journey, not a destination.
I just needed to feel respect and to feel at home. I just needed to believe and now I believe in myself.
