During my sophomore year of college, I suffered from intolerable insomnia, panic attacks and waves of dark depression. During the times I finally found sleep, calamitous night terrors antagonized me.
I distanced myself from my friends, as I constantly thought of taking blades to my skin to release my agony. I blame the antidepressant I took for two months for driving me toward making the biggest mistake of my life.
The day I felt my mind asking me to end my life was the day I reached out for help. A part of me knew Lexapro was seriously affecting me and I needed to seek out a professional.
Lexapro is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressant usually prescribed to treat depression and is often used in combination with therapy, according to the United Kingdom National Health Service SSRI webpage.
When I initially looked to Stanford Health Care for sleep medication, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and prescribed Lexapro. But four weeks later, the adverse symptoms of the drug began resonating.
I was warned by a family medical doctor that the drug could have the opposite effect and increase suicidal thoughts, violent behavior, restlessness and mania. However, he assured me it was only a 1% chance and sent me on my way without directing me to any form of therapy or follow-up appointments.
In 2004, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) issued a “black box” warning on antidepressants for those ages 18-24 regarding the drugs’ associations with suicidal thoughts and behaviors. The FDA recommended their use only when the need outweighed the risk, according to its antidepressant revisions document.
Black box warnings appear on prescription drug labels to alert users that it has serious or life-threatening risks, according to the FDA Consumer Health Information document.
Mark Olfson, a professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University, said in a 2012 American Psychiatric Association (APA) journal most Americans are either overprescribed or underprescribed antidepressants.
“Many adults with major depressive disorder go for long periods of time without receiving treatment,” Olfson said in the
peer-reviewed APA journal.
Meanwhile, he said many people with mild depression or anxiety are prescribed antidepressants even though they aren’t likely to benefit from them.
After surviving the darkest period of my life under the influence of this medication, an adult I considered a guardian helped me find a therapist.
My first therapist, who I’ll call Ann for privacy concerns, was a psychotherapist who specializes in using talk therapy to help patients access information about themselves they’ve either forgotten or haven’t yet recognized.
Psychotherapy is talk therapy for people with various mental illnesses and emotional difficulties, according to the APA psychotherapy webpage.
It can help eliminate or control troubling symptoms so a person can further develop their well-being.
Before calling Ann to make an appointment, I researched her degrees, her expertise and confirmed we shared similar belief systems.
Seven months of therapy with Ann brought to light many painful childhood memories I had forgotten, suppressed or refused to recognize as abuse for most of my life.
I learned that many of my everyday battles with mental illness stem from abandonment wounds and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
That recognition gave me a surreal sense of clarity and enabled me to finally see myself as a survivor.
I didn’t need Lexapro to pump “happy” chemicals into my brain at the risk of losing my life. I didn’t have depression or an anxiety disorder. I just needed to begin healing.
When I lost my job after shelter-in-place mandates began during the coronavirus pandemic, I could no longer afford the co-payments for each session with Ann. However, Ann agreed I should find someone with more expertise in the fields of trauma and abuse to continue on my therapy journey.
I joined BetterHelp, a mental health services app, in October. There I took a survey detailing my background, reasons for looking to therapy and what I was looking for in a therapist.
BetterHelp offers remote access to “licensed, trained, experienced and accredited” psychologists, marriage and family therapists, clinical social workers and board licensed professional counselors, according to its website.
The app matched me with a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I’ll refer to as Mary for privacy concerns, who specializes in trauma and abuse, family conflicts, addictions, PTSD and various other fields.
An LCSW coordinates therapy and holds specialized knowledge about clinical social work without the consultation of a psychologist, according to the Social Work License Map website.
The app can also match people with a licensed masters social work, who has similar expertise to an LCSW but must complete about 1,500 to 6,000 clinical hours under supervision of a psychologist, according to the same website.
My sessions with Mary were terrifyingly real, sometimes leaving me emotionally depleted and other times I didn’t want to show up at all.
Despite this whirlwind of emotions, she always greeted me by commending my courage to show up and invited me to engage in mindful practices that made me feel prepared to confront my needs.
I never knew how important it was to have a trustworthy professional advocate for me to come out of hiding and evolve toward healing, understanding and coping.
Therapy and trauma work is like being a midwife to your own birth.
Each time you go to a session or practice therapy tools, you’re working for your inner child and your future self. The weight of it can be burdensome, but eventually it begins to set you free from the constraints of the mind.
